Burns is Rebel, Rebel candidate in Deputy Speaker race

Something a bit unusual in Westminster this week with an election, not to Parliament, but within Parliament. MPs will choose a new deputy speaker.

John Bercow doesn’t chair every debate in the House eight hours a day, four days a week would obviously be too onerous for one man. Instead, he has three deputy speakers to step in and help him out.

A vacancy has arisen after Nigel Evans resigned last month to fight charges of indecent assault, sexual assault and rape against a number of men. Given the severity of the charges his self-indulgent statement when he stepped down was accompanied by a lot of shuffling of feet.

In the past the post would have been filled by the “usual channels”. The party whips would have got together and picked a candidate. Not unreasonably that’s been discarded as an undemocratic way to operate in the Mother of Parliaments. Trouble is, it worked.

Instead there’s to be an election which has attracted seven Conservative hopefuls ranging from the colourful to the catty to the cousin of a global pop star.

Because Evans is a Tory he has to be replaced by another. The favourite and most likely winner is Eleanor Laing. She’s a Scottish Tory and since such a rare creature can’t get elected at home she headed south and now represents Epping Forest in Essex.

She’ll win because she’s fun her immaculate outfits stand out among the rows of grey suits friendly, and serious about the role. Labour MPs like her and apparently Bercow is keen to have her on board.

Her chief challenger is Simon Burns, a distant cousin of David Bowie. He is the, ahem, “Rebel, Rebel” candidate given he has regularly clashed with Speaker Bercow. Burns once described the Speaker as “a stupid, sanctimonious dwarf” before apologising for any offence he may have caused . . . to dwarves.

Burns is clearly only standing in an effort to wind up Bercow. Of course Parliament, or at least the Tory backbenches, is not peopled by men who’ve never quite outgrown public schoolboy pranks but one said he was backing Burns because “it would make good theatre” rather than out of any concern for the standing and good government of the House.

Bercow may have the last laugh. The rules of the contest state that should the House elect a deputy just to annoy an unpopular Speaker he has the right to turn them down for the job.

Brian Binley is the only other serious candidate. A tubby chap distinctly reminiscent of Dad’s Army’s Captain Mainwaring, he could derail Laing’s bid by scooping up enough second choices under the complicated voting system.

He’s offered to hand the job back to Evans should he be cleared and might appeal as a stop-gap candidate given he plans to step down at the next election.

Laing, Burns and Binley are the three main candidates but like any Parliamentary by-election there are a variety of nonentities on the ballot and the obligatory Monster Raving Looney.

Nadine Dorries, nicknamed Mad Nad, was quick to throw her hat in the ring. A year ago she was in Austrialia on I’m a Celebrity. She was the first person booted off the reality TV show having garnered fewest votes. She seems keen to repeat the experience.

First she dubbed colleague Kris Hopkins, newly promoted to Housing Minister in last week’s reshuffle, one of the “slimiest, nastiest MPs”. That’s one vote she won’t be getting. Then she sent an email to every other MP urging them to vote for her because it would shut her up. In order to maintain impartiality the team of Speakers can’t speak in debates or table questions. It’s a novel approach, but unlikely to work.

Then again if, at the General Election, an MP stood on a ticket on that sort of ticket “Vote for me and I’ll shut up” they might just do alright.