Lindsay Razaq: This rom-com lacks spice as Theresa May sticks to the script

IT’S among my favourite film moments – Hugh Grant’s Prime Minister sticking it to Billy Bob Thornton’s US President.

“I love that word ‘relationship’. Covers all manner of sins, doesn’t it?” he asks, going off script.

“We may be a small country, but we’re a great one too. The country of Shakespeare, Churchill, The Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, David Beckham’s right foot. David Beckham’s left foot, come to that.”

Well, Donald Trump would agree with the Churchill bit at least.

All week I had been dreaming of a Love Actually-style showdown – and my hopes were fleetingly raised after the White House embarrassingly misspelt the Tory leader’s name in media guidance notes, more than once.

(Teresa May is indeed not our vicar’s daughter, rather a former glamour model.)

But – and it came as no surprise – Theresa-with-an-H May’s press conference with Mr Trump after their historic first meeting didn’t pack the same punch.

Of course, that kind of grandstanding was never on the cards.

After all, “My Maggie”, as the President has apparently taken to calling her in a nod to his hoped-for Reagan-Thatcher-style relationship, is not treading the boards of a Hollywood rom-com. She faces the very real challenge of trying to shape the UK’s role in the world post-Brexit.

Unfortunately, her desire to “make a success of it” coupled with her obvious eagerness to get across the pond gave the visit – with its forced hand-holding and awkward body language – an air of desperation.

Mr Trump is well aware she needs a trade deal more than him and in that sense has her over a barrel.

Her flattery was accordingly sugary sweet.

Well done on a “stunning election victory”, Mr President, she said. “Thank you for inviting me so soon.”

And there’s nothing like an invitation from the Queen to butter up the leader of the free world.

But the compliments were by no means one-sided. Donald had come armed with material too.

Brexit will be a “tremendous asset”, a “blessing”, he insisted, underlining this “most special relationship” and “deep bond” between the nations.

It was like teenage sweethearts trying to outdo each other. (You hang up; no, you hang up; I love you; I love you more …)

That said, in keeping with her at times hawkish address to Republicans in Philadelphia the day before, Mrs May didn’t simply agree with the president on everything.

She had promised to speak “frankly” where necessary and stood firm when asked about UK sanctions on Russia over its actions in Ukraine.

She also seized the chance to put on record Mr Trump’s commitment to her that he is “100%” behind Nato, an organisation he previously dismissed as “obsolete”.

Moreover, the former reality TV star was better behaved than on other occasions and even made a few jokes.

I’m tempted to attribute this to the restraining influence of the Prime Minister, who was under a lot of pressure to walk the line.

But getting through 20 minutes or so is all very well; Mr Trump’s actions will speak louder than his words (and have already done so during his first week in office).

Let’s not ignore the elephant in the room, either.

While Mr Trump revealed his Secretary of Defense’s opposition to torture would “override” his own view, he reaffirmed his belief in its effectiveness.

Despite previously insisting the UK condemns torture, Mrs May chose not to interject when the pair shared a stage. It was a missed opportunity and she could come to regret letting the remarks slide later on.

Regardless of how much both sides claim the talks a success, agreeing a trade deal once the UK leaves the EU will be a difficult, likely long, process.

Mrs May can’t control what her billionaire opposite number does or says.

But she is accountable for her own conduct, which history will judge her by. And in her determination to secure an agreement, she mustn’t offer or sacrifice too much.

The end doesn’t always justify the means.