Health and wellbeing: How to deal with loss and grief at Christmas time

Often, especially during the festive season, we make assumptions about someone who has suffered a loss, then try to improve their mood on the basis of those assumptions.

It can be more helpful simply to ask how they would like to celebrate – if at all – and how their loss should be acknowledged.

Grief can have a strange effect on the passage of time. A loss may leave you feeling stuck, yet in other ways life keeps trundling along.

Sometimes everyday distractions take over; other times grief whips you back to the moment everything changed.

And everything gets more complicated as nostalgia builds over Christmas. You may feel simultaneously sad and joyous, present in the moment, lost in the past. It can be a challenging time but there are ways to get through – and even enjoy the festivities happening around you.

If you have suffered a loss, recognise that Christmas might be different this year. Meet up with others in a similar situation. Find a way to pay tribute to the person who is absent, and bring them into your observance of Christmas if you feel ready to do so.

Ask for help in specific ways. People are often desperate to help, but don’t know how. All of the things you would do to support someone who is struggling with loneliness are valid for helping those who have lost a loved one.

If you know someone who needs support, try to understand and accept that Christmas will be different for them this year. Recognise what they are going through, and extend a little extra compassion. Invite them to join in, but give them space if they need it.

Christmas has a strange power to root us in the moment while also transporting us somewhere else. Sometimes we have to just get through and start a new day.

If our current experience does not match up to our memories of Christmases past, or what we think we should be experiencing, we can lose ourselves in the gap. This leads to disconnection and sadness.

However, if we can find a way to inhabit the season, perhaps by identifying with a particular person, place or moment, we can rebuild the bonds of connection and feel part of Christmas once more.

A friend told me that her father was the heart and soul of Christmas in their household. He would write poetry, make up sketches and perform routines as a gift to everyone on Christmas Day. Now that he has passed away my friend has decided to take the baton and continue the tradition.

Christmas can be an opportunity to pause and give thanks, and to remember to be grateful.

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You are not alone: How to help yourself and others through festivities

If you are feeling lonely:

Take extra care of yourself in terms of nutrition and exercise. Make food an event by planning menus, then use the meals as opportunities to practise mindfulness in their preparation and eating.

Reach out and talk with others about how you’re feeling.

Broaden your horizons by listening to podcasts and exploring new music.

Minimise screen time and be mindful about using social media.

Meditate, do yoga or attend a mindfulness workshop.

Reflect on whether your sense of loneliness is telling you to pay more attention to certain aspects of your life.

List the advantages of your current situation. If you find yourself complaining about something, add the words “so I can…“ at the end of the
sentence to flip it into an opportunity.

Seek out an inspiring book then settle down to read it as if there is nothing in the world you would rather be doing.

Consider how you might honour those that matter most to you. This will provide a focal point for the holiday season and give you a reason to reach out to someone.

If limited finances prevent you attending expensive gatherings, be creative about the way you gather with others. Perhaps invite someone to join you for a walk.

Decorate the outside of your home with lights to raise the spirits of passers-by. A simple lantern by the front door can be your gift to strangers. This can forge strong connections with neighbours as it sends a message of friendliness.

If you are missing people who live far away, arrange an online video chat.

If being in the house feels oppressive, go outside. Seek out nature wherever you are.
Envision positive change, then start taking the first steps to make it happen.

Be kind to others, and to yourself.

How to help others cope with loneliness.

Extend an invitation. If it is rejected, try sending a second one for a smaller or more casual event, possibly involving just the two of you. Alternatively, you could ask for assistance choosing ingredients at the market, or with the cooking, for example. But don’t push: give space where it’s needed.

If they accept your invitation to a gathering, ask if there are any topics they would rather avoid, then stay alert during the event and change the subject if necessary.

Remember, loneliness is often invisible. Most people will not tell you that they are suffering, so you might have to pay close attention.

If you detect something is wrong, let them know you are available to listen. Then, if they choose to open up, do that – listen – without offering advice. Simply empathise.

During Christmas

Check in regularly, remain patient, and let them know you will be there after the holidays.

Smile at strangers, especially those who seem in need of a pick-me-up.

Take care with social media posts and think about the message you want to convey before uploading anything.

Let people know you appreciate them. Your words could be the boost they need.