Mothers of soldiers killed in Afghanistan condemn plans to allow only next of kin at memorial service

“My son made the ultimate sacrifice and I should be able to honour his memory.”

Next month, a special remembrance ceremony is to be held in St Paul’s Cathedral in London to pay tribute to the 453 military personnel killed during the 13-year conflict, as well as the thousands who were seriously injured fighting for their country.

Family representatives of fallen soldiers are to be invited but where the next of kin is a husband or wife, parents will be denied the right to attend unless asked as the spouse’s “plus one”. It means families who perhaps don’t get on have a difficult battle ahead.

Grieving mum Jacquie McDonald, from Edinburgh, lost her son Sean in 2010. The 26-year-old was killed after stepping on an IED. He had selflessly gone back to help a comrade when the device exploded, killing him instantly.

Sean had been married for 18 months, but Jacquie has never had a close relationship with his wife. So his spouse is set to receive an invitation to the March 13 service two days before Mothering Sunday whereas his mother is not.

“It’s so insensitive,” Jacquie, 53, said. “It’s as if the parents have been cast aside. My son made the ultimate sacrifice and I should be able to honour his memory.

“People can have several partners, but they will only ever have one mother. We are the ones who walked the floor with them for hours when they cried and wiped their knees when they fell.

“As a parent nothing can prepare you for your child dying before you and nothing can prepare you for being denied an invitation when there is an opportunity to remember them.

“His wife may receive an invitation, but as we haven’t seen each other in years, it’s highly unlikely she’ll ask me to be her plus one.”

Jacquie has been in contact with other bereaved parents who find themselves in the same situation since the service was announced by David Cameron on Wednesday. They’re calling on the MOD to remember mums and dads.

Janette Binnie, from Fraserburgh, Aberdeenshire, whose son Sean was killed in Helmand Province in 2009, is furious.

“It’s not right,” she said. “It should be the wife or husband and parents who attend. It’s humiliating and degrading not being given the chance to pay tribute to your own son.

“I don’t mean to sound selfish, but Sean was my only child. I carried him for nine months, brought him up and nurtured him.

“This is alienating parents.”

Acting Sergeant Sean Binnie’s legal next of kin is wife Amanda, who wed the soldier just six months before he was killed in action with 3 Scots, the Black Watch.

As Sean, 22, was married, it is Amanda who will be invited to the 2,000-capacity commemoration as his next of kin. But parents Janette, 47, and Allan, 45, who no longer have a close relationship with their son’s widow, won’t be issued with tickets.

Sean was killed during a firefight with insurgents near Musa Qala, where he was serving as part of the Battle Group mentoring the Afghan National Army. He was buried near Amanda’s home in Northern Ireland, making it difficult for his Scots family to visit the grave.

A few years ago, Janette joined forces with charity Forces Support to build a memorial garden so she can have a place closer to home to remember her son. But she says she’s never got over his death and being classed as the “forgotten family” just adds to the grief.

Last week, Janette penned a letter to the Prime Minister, calling for parents to be added to the memorial service guest list. Amanda has told Janette she’s unlikely to attend leaving a space open for her.

While that is pleasing for her, other mums and dads may not be so lucky.

Janette is being supported in her quest by Caroline Whitaker, whose son, Sergeant Gareth Thursby, was shot by a rogue Afghan policeman just two years ago.

Gareth, from Skipton, North Yorkshire, had been wed for seven years. Caroline’s relationship with his wife was strong at first, but the pair have drifted apart.

“It’s not an issue with the partners,” Caroline, 51, said. “It’s the MOD’s lack of compassion for parents who have lost their children.”

Gareth, who was 29 when he died, joined the Army aged just 16. He served with the Yorkshire Regiment, who have been very inclusive of Caroline so far.

“It’s bizarre that a local regiment could be so supportive, but as soon as there’s a national event, I’m left out.

“I effectively gave my son to the forces. I don’t want anybody to forget my son or where he came from. That’s why it’s so important for parents, especially mums, to be able to attend these types of events.”

For Sergeant Simon Valentine’s mum Carol, 56, the situation is much the same. Simon, of the Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, wed just a few years before he stepped on an IED while on patrol in 2009.

Carol’s relationship with his partner has dwindled over the years. The grandmother, from West Midlands, doesn’t anticipate being the plus one, so will effectively be frozen out.

“It was the same situation when the list of names of soldiers was unveiled at the Arboretum in Staffordshire. I wasn’t issued with an invite, I had to fight for one.

“But it shouldn’t be this way. The fact that the memorial service next month falls just days before Mother’s Day and mothers are being denied access astonishes me.”

On social media sites populated by the grieving parents of lost servicemen, most people are in agreement: Yes demand is going to be high for an event like this. St Paul’s only has limited space. So why not hold it somewhere else? Or get rid of some of the officials to make room for mums?

A spokeswoman for the Army said they do “feel for these families”.

He added: “But there are limitations to the number of people who can attend these events and legally it’s the next of kin. A line has to be drawn somewhere.”

An MOD spokesperson said: “This service is intended to honour all those who served in Afghanistan, whether the 100,000 military personnel or the civilians that worked there.

“Unavoidably limited capacity at St Paul’s means we are unable to include everyone but by reserving half of the congregation places we’re ensuring two people with close ties to anyone who lost their life can attend.

“The rest of the congregation will be made up of Armed Forces personnel and civilians who served in Afghanistan, veterans, international partners and supporting organisations.”