Maggie Clayton: Winning an argument is when both sides come away from it with a better understanding

Is there a relationship which is argument-free? I doubt it. How can you live with someone and not be irritated from time to time by their behaviour, their annoying habits and their comments?

After 11 weeks of lockdown, even the happiest of relationships can feel under pressure now and then.

One of the big differences I think between men and women is the way we deal with the issues which lead to rows.

My husband, after decades of marriage, is still perplexed by the way I “always” or “never” do things exactly the way he expects. But is it a crime to load the dishwasher my way, which is fast but admittedly not as practical as his perfect alignment of dinner plates?

Am I breaking any laws by spending time on the phone listening and talking to family and friends, while his conversations are brief and to the point? If so, I’m guilty as charged and the evidence is there when the phone bill arrives and I have to account for an hour-long conversation with his sister.

From the first year of marriage I realised that dating someone is very different to living with them. You are at your best in the early stages of a relationship and they find your little quirky habits amusing and endearing. The shine goes off however when you repeatedly fail to understand how machines work or why you over-spent yet again this month.

Did you really need to pay lavish homage to Saint Michael at Marks and Spencer? Those books from Amazon, those toy treats for the grandchildren, that pricey moisturiser from Boots, were they really necessary?

Of course they were. Every woman knows what is required to keep home, health and happiness in good condition.

So while I admit to an occasional extravagance I think it’s a small price to pay for putting up with male moods.

Is there any reason why so many things irritate them? The way other people drive, the items on the news which they talk through rather than listen to, the inability to understand another person’s point of view. All of these can make men tetchy in the extreme.

Is it in their DNA or is it life experiences which make men judgemental and intolerant from time to time? Why is our loft still filled with baby clothes and toys from 30 years ago? Our cupboards crammed with books I read 10 years ago? Why are drawers stuffed with cards and letters and prezzies our children bought me with their pocket money decades ago, he wants to know? Because I can’t throw away memories. Because I’m female – I’m me.

There is no escaping the fact that men and women look at life from different perspectives and there’s nothing wrong with that. Learning how to argue effectively is a very precious skill.

So when it comes to domestic arguments, I think the wisest course is to make your point firmly but not in too much detail as that can lead to nagging – and then you’ve lost the moral high ground. When both of you can walk away from the argument without resentment but understanding each other more fully, then you’ve won.

In the early days those first differences of opinion come as a bit of a shock. But with time and patience we learn they can be a stepping stone to a more meaningful relationship.

Margaret Clayton is The Sunday Post’s agony aunt. Are you struggling in these uncertain times? Contact Maggie for advice by emailing ps@sundaypost.com.