Not sure how much this will upset all you Rangers fans but, when you play Panathinaikos at Ibrox next month, don’t expect to hear Zadok The Priest blasting out over the PA system.
Yes, I know it’s the Champions League anthem and, yep, I’m fully aware this fixture against the Greek side is a Champions League tie… but don’t forget, it’s a QUALIFIER.
And, unless the rules have changed since Motherwell took part in the same stage of the competition back in 2012 – against the same team, incidentally – I’m afraid you’re stuck with Follow Follow, Penny Arcade or Simply The Best (no laughing at the back, please).
You see, folks, sour-faced Uefa officials BANNED clubs from playing the famous piece of classical music before kick-off in qualifying matches – a proper boot in the Davina McCalls for all us Motherwell fans as, let’s be honest, that was our only chance of hearing it.
Sure enough, Panathinaikos pumped us 5-0 on aggregate and our Champions League “journey” was over…
© Andrew CawleyThe rather harsh music ban is just one entry from my diary of Motherwell’s adventures in Europe.
Sure, it doesn’t quite run to the same number of volumes as Michael Palin’s bestselling memoirs. But, for the best part of a decade under Mark McGhee, Craig Brown and Stuart McCall (and this may shock younger readers), the long-suffering Well fans enjoyed quite a few trips to the continent.
And so, as Scotland’s latest representatives (Celtic, Rangers, Aberdeen, Hibs and Dundee United) prepare to dig out the passports following last week’s Euro draw, I thought I’d share a few highlights…
- A trip to Nancy in 2008 and my first go at a French-style steak (a good vet would have had it back on its feet). First time I’ve had dinner and a blood transfusion at the same time.
- Beating Flamutari of Albania 8-1 with the youngest Motherwell team in history. How young? At full-time, it took the manager an hour to coax them in for a bath.
- After taunting Well striker Michael Higdon with an ice-cold pint of lager in a Spanish hotel a few hours before we played Levante, the big man explained the rules regarding players and alcohol. “The No. 1 rule,” he winked, “is make sure you’ve got plenty of mints and chewing gum…”
- A 1-0 home defeat by Welsh plankton Llanelli. But it’s true what they say about singers from the valleys. Never has ‘We Can See You Sneaking Out!’ sounded so beautiful…
- In Iceland, I tried tandoori guillemot in Reykjavik (don’t tell Bill Oddie!) while my pal ordered a beaver curry (just like a normal curry, but a little otter). After seeing a number of puffin dishes on the menu (a staple in that part of the world), another mate – not the sharpest tool in the box – shook his head and said: “I’m no’ keen on seafood…”
- Back in Wales, one of the boys asked our hotel receptionist if it was OK to take a picture. When she smiled and nodded, he took down a painting off the wall. The same fella told me his kilt was “the official Bellshill tartan”. Ehh??? “I stole it aff a washing line,” he explained.
- In the home leg against Odense, our legendary manager memorably punched one of the Danish officials. Incredibly, the Motherwell club shop didn’t cash in by launching the Craig Brown Grill.
- The return leg in Llanelli was shown live on S4C and armchair Motherwell fans wondered why Charlie Nicholas was doing the commentary. Turns out the whole match was actually broadcast in Welsh. What a language, eh? When sign-writers in the rest of the UK run out of vowels, I reckon they get a gig in Wales. En route to the game, we drove through Llyclyncc and spotted the Ysbyty Hospital (where I was later admitted with irritable vowel syndrome).
- Mistaking us for VIPs, our hosts in Nancy prepared a lavish buffet of the finest French food and wine for Motherwell fans who’d travelled on the charter flight. After demolishing a slab of foie gras that probably cost about 150 euros, one fan was overheard saying to his pal: “Haw, Boaby, have you tried that meat paste?”
- Back in Iceland, it was reportedly three females for every male. This excited one Motherwell fan, until his pal – a tad unkindly, perhaps – pointed out: “That just means you’ll get three times your usual number of knock-backs…”
- In Russia, one of the boys was less than impressed with the pre-match Cossack dancers, describing them as “lazy”. How come? “Look at them,” he said. “They dance sitting doon.”
- Flying out from Glasgow, it became apparent one Motherwell fan had never been to Iceland before when airport security confiscated one of the items in his bag… a litre bottle of suncream.
Ah, happy days!
This week’s top texts
Diana Ross says she was delighted to hear that Donald Trump won’t be taking out the Supreme leader.
Samuel L Jackson has just passed his driving test. From now on, he wants to be known as Samuel Jackson.
Nothing gives you a bigger fright than a two-litre plastic bottle of Coke popping back into shape 20 minutes after you last touched it.
My neighbour keeps telling me our house is haunted. What a load of rubbish. I’ve lived here for 284 years and I haven’t noticed anything strange.
Wanted: Jimi Hendrix lookalike. No experience necessary…
Just saw Ronnie O’Sullivan in my local Dobbies. He was looking at a plant.
Experts reckon you can lose your sense of taste by eating spicy food. Sure enough, when I was in India last year, I listened to a lot of Michael Bublé.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch if it was all fun and games until it happened?
I used to be addicted to mud wrestling, but I’ve been clean now for six years.
My Glasgow pal is convinced his wife is having an affair. They moved to Inverness last year and they’ve still got the same window cleaner…
Top tip: Avoid being bothered by wasps at a barbecue by putting a blob of jam on a small child.
There’s a nudist convention in town tomorrow. I might go if I’ve got nothing on.
We’re going to Butlin’s and I’m hoping there’s a saggy boobs competition. My wife will wipe the floor with them.
RIP weather presenter Wincey Willis. She was Jonathan Ross’ dream guest.
In other news…
Up for auction this week is the silk robe Tommy Cooper was wearing when he died on stage in 1984. If you think that sounds a bit morbid, I hear they’re also selling the 2008 Scotland top Chris Iwelumo wore against Norway.
It’s been reported that two breakthrough Alzheimer’s drugs won’t be offered on the NHS due to cost. So unless you’re loaded, forget it…
Despite rather conveniently declaring himself bankrupt over a huge tax bill, Frankie Dettori was seen living the high life in top hat and tails at Royal Ascot where, in 1996, he famously rode all seven winners on the card. It’s believed, however, he only declared three of them…
A letter signed by Mary, Queen of Scots urging a family to keep the peace in and around Inverness has sold for £15,000. Wow! She was hardly an expert at not losing the head…
Barry White has been honoured with a statue in his hometown of Galveston, Texas. There are now plans for a waxwork model of the pop legend at Madame Tussauds, but only when they’ve melted down The Four Tops.
Edinburgh’s Lord Provost has officially opened the newly completed floral clock in West Princes Street Gardens. It will now tell visitors exactly what time it is. Yep, time for your hay fever to flare up.
What will Scotland be like in 2050? That’s the question politicians asked at a conference in Edinburgh last week. And, thanks to artificial intelligence (AI) they all agreed the country will look very different. However, a fiver says it will still be covered in potholes.
A man has been ordered to carry out 75 hours of unpaid work after he deliberately farted at police during a strip search and asked them: “How do you like that?” I think he should be let off…
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