Our resident agony aunt, Maggie Clayton, is on hand to help readers with their problems. This week, she advises a grandparent on how to remedy a disagreement with her daughter-in-law.
Dear Maggie
My son has two children, five-year-old Timothy and Jennifer, who is three.
I love them both very much and last year when my daughter-in-law invited me to look after them so she could go back to work I was delighted. They are great fun to be with and I enjoy having “me time” with them.
We go on walks, I take them on train journeys to the beach sometimes, we play games, and read stories. Timothy starts school this summer and I loved taking him to the shops to buy his uniform.
But I am writing to you as I had a shock last week when my daughter-in-law said something to me which really hurt and the more I think about it the angrier I get.
She said: “Well maybe now Jennifer will get a look in.”
When I asked what she meant, she replied: “Well it’s always been clear that Timmy is your favourite.”
That really hurt because I love both of my grandchildren and I had no idea my daughter-in-law felt this way.
I don’t know whether to tell her how upset I feel or just let it go. I’ve thought about telling my son about it.
I don’t want to cause trouble but I just don’t know if things can ever be the same between us again.
Maggie Says
I can understand you must feel very hurt by what your daughter-in-law said. It was a very thoughtless remark.
But I suggest you just let it go and don’t let resentment upset your relationship.
The fact is you know that you love both your grandchildren and that’s what matters.
Yes, there are often times when we feel a closer bond with one child, but in all family relationships that’s not unusual. We see something in their nature which makes us feel proud and happy and we take pride and pleasure in that.
It’s not favouritism, it’s just human nature.
So I suggest you try not to react to your daughter-in-laws words and just continue to take pleasure in seeing Timothy and Jennifer.
Summer is a good time for grannies to suggest treats like a day at the seaside or a picnic in the park.
Enjoy your time with them and hopefully your daughter-in-law will appreciate having a child-free day to herself too.
Don’t let hurt feelings spoil the close bond you have with your grandchildren. Remember, children sense tension in the atmosphere.
So forgive and forget and hopefully you will enjoy picking up Timothy from school before too long.
Dear Maggie
Our summer holiday to Spain was cancelled because of the pandemic. Now my husband wants us to travel around Scotland and just stay in B&Bs.
That just doesn’t appeal to me. It’s caused a row between us and the way things are, it looks like we’ll get nowhere.
Maggie Says
Clearly that’s what will happen if neither of you compromise.
Why not suggest Scotland for a week – there are lots of beautiful places to see and enjoy – and keep a week of his holiday for hopefully getting out to Spain in the autumn if it is safe to do so.
Not ideal I know – but in the present circumstances we all need to be willing to adapt.
Are you struggling in these uncertain times? Contact Maggie for advice by emailing ps@sundaypost.com
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