Mum’s the word ... or is it gran? When it comes to grandkids, which generation knows best?

Maggie Clayton with her grandkids that she likes to give sweets and juice.

It’s a question that sparks endless debate in households up and down the country… Who knows best – mum or granny?

Whether it’s letting the kids stay up past their bedtime or handing out endless sweeties, there’s no doubt grandparents love to spoil their grandchildren.

But when it comes to looking after children, what was seen as totally acceptable back in the day can be enough to set a modern mum’s hair on end.

From breast-feeding and weaning babies to discipline and bedtime routines, those differences are now being explored in a new exhibition Bringing up Baby, at the Museum of Childhood in Edinburgh.

The collection – which includes baby products from the first Paddi Pad disposable nappy to Scotland’s Baby Box – highlights some of the challenges faced by parents across the generations.

Curator Susan Gardner said: “While breast-feeding is promoted as being the healthiest option, bottle feeding has been common since the late 19th century.

“The introduction of disposable nappies transformed life for those parents who could afford them and they are now used by the majority of families.

“Things like wipes, hands-free baby baths, slings, baby monitors, breast pumps and ready-made food for babies have made it easier for today’s parents – but they do tend to need to go back to work sooner.

“Mums today are likely to follow the most up-to-date advice given by health visitors. But it’s great to have the support of previous generations who, with the benefit of
experience, can often provide helpful tips.”

With a quarter of working families now relying on grandparents to help out it’s never been a more tricky subject to navigate.

While advice from older generations can be invaluable, differences in parenting can cause friction.

Gransnet editor Cari Rosen said: “There’s a popular perception grandparents are a soft touch when it comes to their grandchildren, ambling around dispensing tooth-cracking candy and hand-wavingly dismissing parents’ disciplinary regimes.

“This a bit patronising to grandparents, who are singlehandedly enabling millions of parents to keep their jobs by doing billions of pounds’ worth of free childcare.”

So when you’ve dropped your child off at granny’s house and head to work whose rules apply?

The Sunday Post’s agony aunt Margaret Clayton and her daughter Kate McLean give both sides of the story…

Naughty Granny

Margaret Clayton, 71, Gran of eight

There’s very little information about how to go about being good grandparents. Should you be strict or indulgent? Are you being out of touch if you insist on certain rules? Is it acceptable to smack or not?

I have eight grandchildren, four boys and four girls from four to 26 and I’m still learning.

I promised myself I wouldn’t be an “interfering” granny who told my sons and daughter how to be parents – they must find out for themselves.

But I enjoy being the “naughty” granny who sometimes breaks the rules.

That means I never fail to have a wee bar of chocolate in my handbag to cover all eventualities. So, when I’m standing at the school gate or the nursery, I know they’ll run to me, give me a big hug and we’ll walk home talking about their day.

I also have granny’s sweetie stash for sleepovers!

My French daughter-in-law has succeeded in encouraging her daughters to enjoy fruit and vegetables. We recently took Elizabeth and Grace to McDonald’s and they both asked for carrot sticks and avocado, which surprised the girl behind the counter!

And when 10-year-old Jack and seven-year-old Emily come for a sleepover the rules are relaxed. They get to stay up a little later than their bedtime at home. We have little talks at bedtime about all sorts of things.

A lot has changed since I was a mum, of course. I had a dozen towelling nappies and a dozen muslin nappies. There was a bucket in the kitchen filled with Napisan to soak them in. When I started to babysit Jack when Kate went to work I spent the first year putting his disposable nappy on back-to-front.

And I never quite worked out the fancy TV baby monitors. We just resorted to the traditional method – leaving the door open.

Modern parents have so many pressures. They’re told to wean the child at a certain age. Advised not to give dummies or provide swaddling blankets. There’s a competitive element between parents about at what age a child speaks or sleeps through the night.

I don’t think the children are any worse off by being cared for by grandparents – the person missing out is mum.

They need to work to provide for their children and don’t get the chance to enjoy those carefree years when babies and toddlers are lots of fun.”

Rule-maker mother

Kate McLean, 38, Mum of two

Mum completely flouts any rules I have in place. She says she only sees them for a short time, so really she’s just going to do what she wants.

And, to be honest, there isn’t much I can say about it. She says parenting is my responsibility, being fun is hers.

If they’re going for a sleepover, I always say, “Bedtime is 8.30pm” and the kids and my mum just burst out laughing.

They all know I’m not in charge when I’m not there and that’s part of the excitement and fun.

Mum has a great imagination and a wicked sense of humour.

They tell me they are having homemade soup for dinner but the reality is papa is driving to Domino’s to pick up a pizza.

The other night I got an alert saying my son has exceeded the screen time on his phone.

To be honest, when the grandparents are in charge, I just hand over the reins.

In fact, I think my parents and their relaxed attitude have been my saving grace.

I felt a real pressure to breastfeed but it was a struggle. Jack ended up jaundiced and in hospital because he wasn’t getting enough milk.

My mum was keen to point out all four of her kids were bottle fed – and it did us absolutely no harm whatsoever.

When I stressed about potty training, and the kids not wanting to part with their dummies, my dad would tell me to relax – they would do it when they were ready, not when I wanted them to.

My son was a hungry baby but I tried to hold him off from weaning until the recommended six months, then start on the baby rice. Although my mum would give him toast crusts to chew when he was just four months.

Her motto is “it didn’t do you any harm”. And, if the truth be told, it didn’t!

Mum has been known to put disposable nappies on back to front, scrape the contents of them into the toilet, put the kids to bed with blankets over the top of their sleeping bags and let them eat without a bib but, as she says, “they’re absolutely fine”.

The only thing we’ve had conflict over is car seats… I think my parents think that, as we used to sit on their knees, what’s all the fuss about? But, in fairness, they do comply with my requests as they know it’s about safety rather than my rules.

There’s a lot your own parents can teach you about parenting – but as grandparents they just love to indulge the little people they love the most. It can be frustrating but it’s just their way.”