Parliament bows out amid tears and jeers

As if to emphasise how much Parliament can resemble a posh school, some of the prefects came up with a topper wheeze to play on the headteacher on the last day of term.

Government chief whip Michael Gove and Leader of the House William Hague introduced moves at the last minute that would make it easier to unseat Speaker John Bercow after the election.

Bercow is widely admired for trying to make Parliament more open and restore its reputation following the expenses scandal. He’s also widely loathed by Conservative backbenchers for his pompous style and unnecessary put-downs.

The debate over what amounted to a minor procedural change was outrageous, emotional and engrossing.

Pick of the speeches came from MP Charles Walker, chair of the committee that’s supposed to be in charge of procedure, who revealed that his own Government ministers had “played him as a fool” but he declared: “I would much rather be an honourable fool, in this and any other matter, than a clever man.”

At this point he and Bercow burst into tears and the Labour benches burst into applause.

As it became clear the vote was going to be tight, the Prime Minister had to dash back from an election event to get into the voting lobbies.

Six weeks from polling day, David Cameron was forced to abandon campaigning to take part in an unnecessary vote which his administration lost anyway.

The Tories are trying to cast this election as chaos versus competence, but sometimes it’s tricky to work out which side is which.

If the morning session represented Parliament at its best razor-sharp debate, holding Government to account and members being honourable the afternoon session was quite different.

With election day known so far in advance, time was scheduled for departing MPs to make a final contribution a valedictory speech.

Some big guns are stepping down.

Gordon Brown bowed out with a whimper. Unsurprisingly, Tessa Jowell’s last line in Parliament referred to the Olympics she was key in bringing to London.

Jack Straw jarred when he said: “Cynicism about politics is more pervasive than I can recall.”

He didn’t mention that he’s currently suspended from his own party while investigations take place into accusations he was hawking his experience and contacts for cash.

Other contributions were even more galling.

Braintree no-mark Brooks Newmark said: “Sometimes it is important that we put our families before ourselves.”

If only he’d borne that in mind last year when he was online sharing naked photos and explicit messages with what he thought was a young woman who wasn’t his wife but turned out to be a tabloid reporter.

But on a jaw-dropping day, one MP managed to bottom out entirely.

Cannock Chase MP Aidan Burley first came to prominence when he was caught attending a friend’s Nazi-themed stag do.

Rather than keep a low profile after that outrage, though, he famously tweeted in the middle of the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony that the unfolding entertainment was “leftie multicultural c**p”.

No surprise, then, that such a character’s valedictory speech was noteworthy for all the wrong reasons he complained that constituents could be rude and awkward, that the £67,000 salary was low and that he faced “unwarranted media intrusion”.

He seems to think electors have no right to know when their MP goes to Nazi parties.

Except now he’s not their MP.

From tomorrow, Parliament is dissolved and for the next six weeks there are no MPs, just wannabes desperate to get their hands on that low salary, face the media glare and represent the rude and the awkward.