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Heartbreaking decision for By Sarah Johnson “I’d never been very good at checking myself,” said the mum-of-four from Ullapool. “My lump seemed to come out of nowhere. One morning in the shower, I happened to look down and my left breast looked deformed. I could actually see the lump. “But I wasn’t concerned. I was fit and I certainly didn’t think it was breast cancer, just something to do with my pregnancy.” Anne, who’s now 50, immediately went to see her GP, who thought the lump was likely to be a blocked gland, but referred her to Raigmore Hospital in Inverness for tests as a precaution. In January 2003 Anne was given an ultrasound scan that revealed a 99 per cent chance the lump was cancerous. At risk Later that day a mammogram confirmed it. Pregnancy had made the 3 cm tumour grow more aggressively and Anne was told she needed chemotherapy, which could harm her unborn child. But without it her life was at risk. Anne was advised to terminate the pregnancy to give her the best chance of survival. With a nine-month-old son, David, and three older children aged 16, 18 and 22 to consider, Anne and her husband Gordon had just days to make a heartbreaking decision. A week later she had a termination. “My world was ending and I couldn’t do anything about it,” Anne reflected, sadly. “At 43 I knew this would be my last chance to have another baby and was told the chemotherapy could cause an early menopause, which it did. Cried “It was an impossible situation and I was heartbroken. “To end a healthy life was against every fibre of my being. I felt so guilty but David was just a baby, he needed me to live. “I cried a lot and talking about it just made it worse. So in the end I had to file it away in a drawer in my mind. “Sometimes when I’m feeling strong I open it and allow myself to think.” Although it’s clearly hard for Anne to talk about this, she said bravely, “What I say may help someone else. “What happened to me was very rare, which left me feeling isolated. I don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” On February 4 Anne had a single mastectomy and had 18 lymph nodes removed — four were affected. “I was at rock bottom already so felt numb when I was told,” she recalled. Rock During chemotherapy, which lasted six months, Anne says her daughter Sarah was her rock. “I don’t know what I would have done without her. And I got a lot of comfort from Breast Cancer Care. “For people like me in rural areas, it’s great because you can access the services by computer and phone. “Sarah also used Breast Cancer Care services, especially the chat rooms. They gave her someone to talk to and discuss her own fears,” said Anne, who’s originally from Liverpool. “Often you worry more about the people who are worrying about you than you do about yourself. “Even if you think you might die you don’t want the people you love, especially your children, thinking that.” Anne, who was put on a course of Tamoxifen after chemotherapy, added, “Breast Cancer Care continues to support you long after diagnosis and treatment. “I give back when I can because they did so much for me. I have an awareness I can pass on and am living proof of how important it is to examine your breasts regularly.” Turning point Four years ago, Anne felt strong enough for reconstructive surgery. “It was a turning point for me,” she said. “My battle scars acted as a constant reminder. “The reconstruction helped boost my confidence and made me feel like a woman again.” But there isn’t a day goes by when Anne doesn’t think about the baby she never had. “Once the chemo was over it all came back and I started wondering, ‘What if’. Our baby would have been born on August 18 so that day was awful. “Sometimes I wonder what he or she would have been like and there are times I do feel bitter. “But all my affection goes to David. Each milestone is so special because they’re moments I thought I wouldn’t live to see. “David remembers when I only had one ‘boobie’ — as he announced once in Inverness Airport’s departure lounge — and when I was sore. Confident “When he’s older I’ll tell him the full story.” Anne, who has three grandchildren and two more on the way, was given a 70 per cent chance of surviving five years. She said, “I haven’t been given the all-clear because they can never say never. “But obviously the more years that pass the more confident I become. “People say, ‘You’re so strong,’ — but I don’t think I’m particularly brave. It’s human nature to fight to survive. What choice do you have? “You have to become this brave person because that’s the only way you can face it.”
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